it's me. hurray. it's a blogg. gasp, gasp.

Heyy. i guess this is long over due. i've decided bloggs are for crap because no matter how much i write no one actully gets what i'm saying. so it is a class A waste of time. Anyways, i've decided that i need to write a couple last times to put this all behind me.

ATM.
time: 5:50 PM
date: April 24/06
mood: to many things to describe.. i think mostly just.. nothing (?)
wearing: gray tang top and new brown shirt, and brown pants.
talking to: no one really
should be doing: uh. checking my math record
listening to: Ohio is for Lovers.. at the moment.

Horoscope: Some personal matters have become quite a tangled web lately, and it's time to start unraveling things before they get more complicated. Face the facts and look for the simplest and quickest solutions.

which is pretty much why I'm here. I'll try to make this as exciting, painless yet clear as possible. here we go.

well .. before i continue, comments are good, just not the judgemental kind. If you don't get it, just leave it. You know, easy come - easy go. if you don't know that then figure it out. it's not rocket science people.


#1.

and i'm sorry if i can't always be who you want me to be. and i'm sorry if i'm not living up to the standards, and i'm sorry if i can't make everything better, or if i don't think that things necessairly should be better. i'm also sorry if i don't have all the answers you need, and i'm sorry i can't always be there, and i'm sorry that i care. and even if it sounds like these are sarcastic, know that they're not. because i am actually sorry, and that's pretty much it. i'm not being the best person i can be lately, and i'm not the best friend. and you know it. something is off, and i can't quite place it. i'll have to go with a loss of faith. and it's not even a loss of faith in myself, it's in.. everyone else. the world doesn't shimmer like it used to. and i guess that's what i mean by saying, "i'm sorry if my eyes don't sparkle anymore". because i really don't know what happened and i can't fix it.

#2.

because giving up isn't really an option i'd like to consider for the moment. i'm gonna hang on to this one, maybe this one will be my lucky star.

#3.

how many people do you know who are more complusive then me? i don't know any. tragic, i know. .. the details are killing me lately, i can't let anything go. everything that bothered me in the past hits ten times harder now. all someone has to do is just bring up one little thing that reminds me and i can't think, and i just don't want to be there anymore.

#4.

and you just don't get it. i could spell it out in letters and you still wouldn't. but i guess it's only fair that we'll be doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again for the rest of eternity.

#5.

its that one where you live in the land of gum drops and happy, no JOLLY fairy people. the one where nothing can ever go wrong. the one where prince charming comes along and is not only to die for gorgeous, but rich and obvivously charming too. because if we don't have the dream all don't have anything.

#6.
this one needs no image. we all know what it's about. or at least people that are in-tune with my life do. uh well. i really don't want to write about this in a blogg, it's a cop-out to everyone and everything. all i have to say, is that i love my friends but asking me to pretend to think things and be something i'm not- is asking alot. and i guess all you need to know is, i would do it. not because it's the right thing to do; because i'd be lost without you.

#7.
one thing i realise that i need to learn how to do, is when to speak up and when to let things go. you know, easy come - easy go. today i got to be less uptight and i must say, today was fun. i need to decide when it's important to tell people things that are bothering me, and when i'm being a baby and need to suck it up. because not telling could pretty much cause an irrational fear of the truth and people in general, but telling too much just pisses people off.


Well that is all i have to say for today. i hope you kind of at least got one thing i wrote, or at least think i am now vague and mysterious and have edge. heck, even when i read these back i can't remeber what they're about.

Much love,
*Kandy